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Nothing would make me drink tonight

It’s so weird, this booze malarkey. Two nights ago I was nearing the end of a few days of chowing down on boxes of wine and glasses of really pokey cider. Yesterday I was too revoltingly hungover to even think about booze (although it did cross my mind, obviously), and tonight I can think of nothing worse than the stench of Henry Westons cider and white wine. It’s so weird. That said, this happened this exact time last week. I spent two days Monday and Tuesday telling myself that I would drink for 30 days, and made it to day 3 on Wednesday when I “caved”. I then didn’t look back until yesterday, Monday morning, AGAIN. It’s literally like groundhog week.

Anyway, just to document for myself that right now, I simply don’t want any booze. Hey, maybe it’s cos I’m still pissed after the weekend?! Who knows? For the minute, endless cups of tea, miss molly lollies (I am in fact 36 not 6 but I bloody love those lollies) and watching My 600lb Life will do.

I’ve also kind of signed myself up to Belle’s 100 day……tentatively I must add. This is my “different thing I’m doing this time”.

🍷🖕

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Why do you drink?

Reposting this one of mine from September 2017.  It scares the shit out of me how much time has passed and how little has changed booze-wise in my life….

01/09/2017

I read a great comment on No Wine I’m Fine’s (https://nowineimfine.wordpress.com/) blog the other day.  When asked “Why don’t you drink?”, she said she feels like replying, “Why do you drink?”.

I LOVE this.

It got me thinking about the reasons I drink.  They’re pretty much as follows:

  1. It can be a laugh.  This is often true for me, but only for about the first hour or two.  I read in Rachel Black’s “Sober is the New Black” book that she misses the “buzz” that the first hour of drinking brings, however she doesn’t miss out for the remaining 23 hours of the day.  As my drinking career has progressed over recent years, I’ve noticed that I don’t really have as much of a laugh as I used to when drinking.  Yet there are still some things I cannot imagine having fun doing sober.  For example, playing Cards Against Humanity.  I consider myself a relatively funny person, so why can’t I play a funny game without drinking poison?  Most of the laughs I’ve had with particular friends has been at work during the day, when I was completely sober.  I know I can have a laugh without booze, so why fucking drink it.  (Excuse the language).
  2. It eases my boredom.  I honestly find boredom a huge trigger.  During the day, I can wake up completely resolved to not boozing, and then by lunchtime I’ve convinced myself that getting tanked up in the evening is something fun to look forward to, and will “make” the night.  I also know (well, think) that I won’t be bored if I booze.  What utter cack.  Drinking doesn’t relieve boredom at all, and I know that.  It literally feels like I have two personalities when it comes to alcohol.
  3. It helps me forget.  This is a tricky one.   It’s also a hugely popular reason why many people drink.  There is stuff in my life that I really don’t want to think about, and getting hammered sometimes seems like the “solution”.   I gave evidence at Crown Court a couple of years ago and still vividly remember telling myself “don’t drink at all during the trial”.  I ended up drinking every evening, and vodka at that. I “celebrated” his conviction with boozing.  I “celebrated” his imprisonment with boozing.  I “made myself feel better” about everything by boozing.  My point is, I have historically used booze as a total crutch and escape, and I don’t want to do that anymore.  If something in my life is hideous, how do I think that poisoning myself is going to improve anything?
  4. It gives me confidence.  People who meet me often think I’m uber confident, outgoing, bolshy and a bit of a gobshite at times.  I can be forceful in how I talk to people and I often sound like I know what I’m talking about (even if I absolutely don’t).  This particularly applies in work.  Yet I can’t stand myself really.  I don’t want to go all psychological assessment on myself but I know there are some “issues” here shall we say.  When I booze, I forget about these issues.  I know that changing my body would massively help, which is why I’m signing myself up for a half marathon.  I also know that getting things like fags out of my life would help, which is why I’m going to try a “smoke free” September.  But I know that the physical changes are only the beginning.  My anxiety levels are enormous when I drink.  Whilst booze temporarily makes me feel better about myself (for ONE HOUR!), the subsequent self loathing is hideous.  We’ve all been there.
  5. Lifestyle.  When you drink all the time, it obviously becomes your lifestyle.  It is simply “what you do”.  What a fucking thing to say! “What do you do in the evenings?”.  “Oh, I cook tea, sort the animals out and then drink and watch The Inbetweeners”.  HA HA! Even writing that seems ridiculous.

Has anyone got any other reasons why they drink (or used to drink)?

Anyway, I best go and do some work.  Contrary to how I may sound, I am not under Section in a hospital – I am one of those “fully functioning” f***ers : )

Ending the irritation

This is another one of my older posts. Sometimes, I can talk a bit of sense, even if I subsequently don’t follow my own advice.

🖕🍷

Allen Carr writes about this in his Smoking book.  He states that when you have a cigarette, and light it up, what you are actually doing is ending the irritation of wanting a cigarette.

I totally relate to this.  I try and stay off fags, and then a “stressful” or “exciting” thing will happen and I get this urge to have a fag.  The minute I light the filthy thing and stick it in my gob I can’t stand it.  But I wanted a fag, and so I’m no longer irritated that I can’t have one (I just feel sick and my breath stinks).

This applies to booze for me too.  I wake up and think “never again”, and then hours later I’m debating whether I should drink, how much I should drink, and how “lovely” it’d be to get that “buzz”.  I wind myself up with it all, having this internal debate about booze.

Sometimes, when I go to the shop (petrified of being pulled over by the cops and then trying to avoid the same cashiers and keeping my head down, imagining that everyone is judging me as I load up my Morrisons wine bag), I feel flat as soon as I’ve bought the alcohol.  I then drive home, and think “argh, well now I’ve bought it I’m going to have to drink it”.  I then obviously proceed to drink the lot.  Sometimes I actually physically urge when I glug glass after glass.  But still, I’m no longer irritated that I “can’t” drink.   By drinking, I’ve ended the irritation of “wanting” to drink.

It’s Easter weekend here in the UK and it’s always been something I couldn’t imagine passing without getting hammered (I realise how pathetic I sound).  Every single night.  Maybe a little overindulgence would be “deserved” tonight and tomorrow, if I hadn’t been drinking solidly since Wednesday.

I don’t even feel that hungover – I just feel generally below par, exhausted and irritable.  I’m also very frigging anxious.  I know this must be linked to alcohol.  I would love to hear from anyone who suffers with anxiety and also struggles with booze.

I’m so frustrated with myself.  I did 69 days last year and didn’t struggle massively.  Now I literally can’t imagine Easter Weekend without booze.   I don’t even bloody celebrate Easter!

My challenge to myself for today is not to drink tonight.  I feel like a complete loser calling it a challenge – it’s just ONE DAY WITHOUT ALCOHOL.  But the minute I say that, I become irritated that I “can’t” have any.   FFS.

I’m doing my own head in so I’m off now : )

 

 

Feeling determined today

Better carpe diem I suppose (or as Neil on the Inbetweeners would day, “go fishing”).

I need to do something different this time around.

I hope this feeling lasts beyond 4 p.m 👌(I mean Jesus – it’s already 1.30 p.m – can my mindset change in such a short period of time? Uh, yes, it can…..).

I need a gut wrenchingly honest blog to read where somebody has genuinely struggled to get off the starting blocks a number of times (whether they’re sober or not now). I follow loads of blogs on here and most of them seem to be written by awesome people who have long periods of sobriety under their belts already – I love reading these but I also need to read some “early day struggles” ones…..any suggestions?

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I could have bought the damn camper van by now

This is a post of mine from 2017.

I could have my camper van by now. Instead, I chose wine.

It’s really time to try something different.

But it bloody well is.

I’ve HAD ENOUGH.  I am furious with myself for continuing to throw something down my neck that is a) bad for me; b) insidious; c) mind altering; d) life changing; e) disgusting – taste and smell wise.

I’m not being dramatic and all “hungover and full of resolve”.  I’m not even hungover.  I’m just annoyed with myself.   I’m also a bit worried that I’m giving myself early onset alcohol-induced dementia (there goes the drama again, but it is possible isn’t it).  I have constant brain fog and forget things a lot of the time.   I’m also arguing with myself a lot.  I went to B & M yesterday and hovered around their cheap spirits shelf for an age, trying to pick between Southern Comfort, Vodka or their own brand of rancid schnapps/drain cleaner.  I did my own head in so much that I ended up stropping off and buying none of it.  If anybody witnessed this they simply must have thought I was on day release.

I don’t want to act as though I’m on day release.  I don’t want to FEEL as though I should bloody well be on day release.

Aside from all of the obvious health risks and catastrophic personality changes that it causes, what a COMPLETE WASTE OF MONEY alcohol is!  I don’t know why I’ve thought about the money side so much this morning, but I think it’s because my partner and I are talking about buying a camper van, and figured out that if we just laid off the booze for a few months we’d have enough money to buy one.  Granted, it would be a heap of shit one, but that’s what we want.

So what would I like?  A constant state of being under par/semi comatose, and suffering with severe anxiety, or a camper van?

Every drink I have had this week I have approached with trepidation, dread and complete shame.  I literally have not benefitted in any way from drinking.  I drink as quickly as possible to “numb out” and “escape”, although I have no idea what from.  I also often believe that doing something as basic as watching a film is not enjoyable unless I’m drinking.  Even as I write that I know how pathetic it sounds.  I have had periods of sobriety before that I have really enjoyed.  Each time, the idea of being “bored/boring” lures me back into drinking.

Moderation is not for me.  I’m not a “normal” drinker (whatever the hell one of those is).  The idea of slowly sipping one glass of anything over a couple of hours is ludicrous to me.  If I wanted to do that I’d have a milkshake.  The minute alcohol touches my lips I have to shove as much of it as possible into me.  How hideous.  I have no interest in a “nice wine with a meal”.  I would rather skip the meal and get hammered.  I buy the cheapest wine with the “biggest poke”.  Urgh.  Sometimes I reach a point where I can happily and easily stop.  But usually only for a couple of days.  After day 2, when I start to feel better, I start wanting to “celebrate” feeling better by drinking.  WTF?  The speed at which my body recovers from a hangover doesn’t help (not that I’m complaining).  I start to feel better after one day without booze, and then the cycle starts again.

There have been heartbreaking, excruciatingly painful things that have happened in my life due mainly to alcohol.  Why on earth would I want to continue to perpetuate the horrendous effects?  Why on earth do I want to spend my time getting half cut (at best lately – another dangerous sign of increasing tolerance)? I’m 34 years old, in relative good health (only as in I have no known health conditions – but I’m physically unfit, basically obese and a total lush so I guess not that good health), and I want to LIVE.  I remember reading something on one of the blogs about the fear of “a life half lived”.  I don’t recall who wrote it but it stayed with me.  I reckon I’m living at less than 50% of my potential at the moment.  How dare I do that.

I can’t say forever.  The fear created by that simple word would have me reaching for the booze.  But I am going to try to at least reach my birthday.  I want to promise myself that I will not have another drink aged 34.  I understand that that means I’m likely to “look forward” to my birthday (in 85 days time) and that drinking on the day will be almost a given.  However, I’m hoping that by that point something will have switched in my warped, wine soaked brain that means I’ll be “able” to continue with sobriety.

For the minute, at least, alcohol can seriously FRO.

Not trying hard enough

It’s been more than a fucking YEAR since I posted this and I’m still not trying hard enough.

WASTE OF LIFE.

I haven’t been trying hard enough. No two ways about it. I enter into these ridiculous targeted “dryathlons” I set myself with less than half a heart and then wonder why I don’t “succeed”.

The truth is that I need to make an effort to look after myself. I don’t do self-care, probably because I’m not my own biggest fan. But psychologically I’m at one of my worst points in years. I will get some help but I am not approaching any professional, GP or otherwise, whilst I continue to chuck this crap down my throat.

Something has changed today. It’s almost imperceptible but it’s there. I have no idea what it is but I’m going to TRY and grab it.

I don’t want to live like this anymore.

I want to be a good laugh again and not an irritable, anxious ball of fury. Booze isn’t the only cause of this but it certainly doesn’t bloody help.

I want to save some money.

I want to want to get up in the morning.

I want to eat ice cream and fruit gums and not give a shit for a few weeks!

I choose to try properly this time.

Posting this for accountability, and to re-read as and when I ever develop the notion that alcohol brings anything positive to the table.

February 15th. The day I TRY again.

Sometimes, the first blog you read should be your own

I’m always looking for blogs to read. I’m always searching for “somebody who sounds worse than me” or “somebody who is just like me and has managed to kick the poison”. Mainly, I’m looking for similar “stories” to mine. I haven’t been here for a while – and we all know why – but tonight I decided to quickly check WP. I looked at my own blog and did a “head in hands” brief check, and I found this……..

I’m thinking of trying a different approach.  My relationship with booze feels like it may (I say it with a degree of obvious trepidation) be heading towards a natural end and I really want to capitalize on that feeling.

Since my mum died, I literally couldn’t give a shit about pretty much anything.  This includes myself.  I was never big on self-care before anyway, but now I am truly apathetic about my wellbeing.  This is dangerous and I know it.  I have been on and off booze since her death and every time I drink I become angrier and angrier with myself.  At the same time, there’s something about blocking shit out that things other than alcohol just can’t deliver.  Not that I’m drinking more since she died – I mean honestly, it’s not as if I were bloody teetotal when she was alive.  This “natural end” feeling is, I think, based on the following

 

  • I hate every drop I drink, and pour it down my neck as quickly as I can. I savour nothing about “a glass with a meal” – I can pretty much do a bottle in less than an hour.  What an achievement hey
  • I wake up the morning after feeling absolutely LIVID – with myself, with the world, with the booze.  I’m aware that this level of anger is normal during grief and it isn’t confined to when I am hungover – I’m pretty much furious most of the time.  But the anger with the booze (and with myself for drinking it) has really ramped up
  • Being hungover is a genuine complete waste of life.  Whilst I’m not my own biggest fan right now, I have had a massive realization since October 2nd:  any of us could literally drop dead at any minute.  Sorry to be maudlin – I really don’t mean to be – but my mum’s heart literally stopped beating without any prior warning.  She was 53.  This massive shock has led me to decide that I need to make massive changes.  Not just booze – I knew I needed to change that anyway.  But weight and smoking.  There you have it – the 2 biggest risks for heart failure and sudden cardiac arrest.  I really mean it when I say I will quit the fags and lose weight.  I want to completely change my lifestyle.  Maybe the booze will follow automatically, or is that wishful thinking?!  Anyway, back to my original point – being hungover is a waste of life.  One of the worst wastes of life at that.  The “buzz” and “blocking out” I get for an hour or two is not worth the hours I spend feeling like crap the next day.
  • I drink against my own will.  I know that sounds stupid, but it’s true – I honestly sometimes drink when I can think of nothing worse to do.
  • I don’t feel very well.  I feel anxious, edgy, furious and sometimes quite sick.  I am tired of doing “tactical voms” just to feel better (gross, I know!).

 

I’m going to blog more.  I think I may take some advice I saw on someone’s blog recently – be aware of every drink I have and see exactly what it “brings to my life”.  I feel that I’m getting there naturally, but to be really honest, I want to not want to drink.  I want to be one of those people who is genuinely happy to say “I don’t drink”.  I have had thoughts of attempting moderation but then laughed out loud at myself – given how I demolish booze, there will never be any middle ground for me.

Sorry if this has been a bit rambly, and I don’t mean to crap on, but I thought I’d better get my thoughts down before I decided to drown all my thinking out (which I will not be doing tonight – please let me feel better tomorrow!).

By the way – where the hell is everyone?!  It’s so quiet on here!

I’m back 😊

I honestly don’t remember writing this (not because of booze, for once, I’ve never posted whilst under the influence – too busy looking for the next drink and all that), but I did write it, and it’s hideous for me to read. Nevertheless – it remains the truth.

Time for yet another try at this shit, yeah?