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Frozen Fishy Friday

What is it about Friday? I will drink any day of the bloody week – but Friday (and Saturday, oh and Sunday) feel like “entitled” times to booze. This is completely retarded. My job is not demanding – I don’t work overly hard all week and I don’t use many of my (rapidly depleting) brain cells.

All of the “usual” drinking justifications therefore don’t apply to me. I don’t need to “unwind” after a long hard week. I don’t have anything new “stress wise” to deal with today. I’m not celebrating anything. But still, it’s Friday, right? That equals crap food and loads of booze?

I almost wrote myself a blog post at 8.00 a.m today to remind myself at 4.00 p.m that the feeling of “it’s Friday, let’s have a fun night tonight” would lead to the usual descent into oblivion.

I was going to tell myself to remember how much better I felt this morning than yesterday morning. How nice it was to be able to drive and not need a change of underwear whenever I saw a police car. How nice it was to feel, even slightly, better and to have more manageable anxiety levels.

I didn’t write myself the blog post, and I did have my usual “it’s Friday night” feeling. But instead of heading to the shop to put a load of money down the drain, I put Masterchef contestants to shame and “cooked” fish fingers mash and peas.

The mash was frozen. I’m 35 years old. Enough said.

Anyway, it’s still Friday. I may have eaten and written a load of crap, but I’m not wanting booze anymore. Was it a craving? Just a thought? Who cares.

Happy Friday 😀

🖕🍷

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Not trying hard enough

I haven’t been trying hard enough. No two ways about it. I enter into these ridiculous targeted “dryathlons” I set myself with less than half a heart and then wonder why I don’t “succeed”.

The truth is that I need to make an effort to look after myself. I don’t do self-care, probably because I’m not my own biggest fan. But psychologically I’m at one of my worst points in years. I will get some help but I am not approaching any professional, GP or otherwise, whilst I continue to chuck this crap down my throat.

Something has changed today. It’s almost imperceptible but it’s there. I have no idea what it is but I’m going to TRY and grab it.

I don’t want to live like this anymore.

I want to be a good laugh again and not an irritable, anxious ball of fury. Booze isn’t the only cause of this but it certainly doesn’t bloody help.

I want to save some money.

I want to want to get up in the morning.

I want to eat ice cream and fruit gums and not give a shit for a few weeks!

I choose to try properly this time.

Posting this for accountability, and to re-read as and when I ever develop the notion that alcohol brings anything positive to the table.

February 15th. The day I TRY again.

🖕🍷

White knuckling it through Friday tea time

FUCK OFF ALCOHOL.

Tea time. Not been shop yet. Been having a mental battle with myself since 10.30 a.m. Yep – 10:30 IN THE MORNING. Not that I wanted to drink then (“oh no, I’m not THAT bad”, ha ha). I’ve just had this “something to look forward to later”, “we’ll have a laugh, watch a film, get a bit pissed”, “have a lie in tomorrow”, etc etc. I literally debated with myself all bloody day. It would literally have been so much easier just to go to the shop and get some booze. FFS.

Fast forward to 6pm and I had my first check of Reddit for the day, and found the following quote:

“I drank for happiness and became unhappy. I drank for joy and became miserable. I drank for sociability and became argumentative. I drank for sophistication and became obnoxious. I drank for friendship and made enemies. I drank for sleep and woke up tired. I drank for strength and felt weak. I drank for relaxation and got the shakes. I drank for courage and became afraid. I drank for confidence and became doubtful. I drank to make conversation easier and slurred my speech. I drank to feel heavenly and ended up feeling like hell.” – Unknown

Oomph 👊👊👊.

Maybe I’ll drink tomorrow, not tonight. 🖕🍷

Sober me doesn’t….

– feel like absolute shit all of the time

– need to take up to 3 anti anxiety pills a day

– eat a curry pot noodle and then forget I’ve eaten it by the next day

– forget what time I went to bed

– forget what I what’s apped my friend

– spend a shit load of money on poison

– have a niggling ache in my right side (liver)

– obsess over what time is “ok” for me to drive the next day

– feel ashamed when I go to the same shop for booze

– shit myself whenever I see a cop car

– feel lethargic and unable to do any proper work during the day

– eat 10 biscuits with a cup of coffee at midnight because “that will soak up the booze”

– wake up bleary eyed, late and quickly dress to sort the animals out, realising en route that my clothes are on back to front and inside out

– feel so god damn irritable most of the time that I could easily rip my own head off

– crap on about anything and everything, being a total and utter gobshite

– feel so swollen that I need maternity clothing to accommodate my booze gut

– feel deep and complete sadness a lot of the time

– have that “old haggard wench” look

– crave chips for breakfast

– stay up until ridiculous o’clock drinking vodka and red bull and watching The Inbetweeners

– wake up sometimes with puffy eyes from excessive crying

– have a mouth that tastes like a drain

I don’t want to wait until January

This time of year, when one is boozing, is a “shall I bother now” time of year.  Being a strong “committer” to the January Dryathlon has always, in the past, given me a sense of “license” to drink like a disgusting fish throughout aaallllll of December, and of course it now being almost December, I have experienced many “fuck it” moments.

Then I thought – why not challenge myself (it still makes my skin crawl that I consider not drinking poison a challenge), and try kicking this crap again now.  I mean, why not?  I have nothing to lose, at all.  There are many scenarios (I’ll list in order of likelihood):

  1. I have 3 days off booze and then come Friday, think “fuck it, I’ll do Dryathlon in January – New Year New Me, and all that jazz”.
  2. I have a few weeks off booze, “white knuckling it” through and eating like a starving wildebeest, before I then “reward” myself by getting tanked up from Christmas Eve Eve onwards.
  3. I actually have a sober Christmas.  I’m almost laughing out loud at the absurdity of me actually “achieving” that – but hey, why the hell not?   I like a challenge, and abstaining from the booze at this time of year, with a view to not drinking at Chrimbo (what?!?! – the horror!!) is indeed a challenge for a saturated pissed up fish like me.

With the caveat that number 2 above is the likeliest eventuality, I will nevertheless give this a go again from today.  Day numero uno, encore.

I’ve been reading some interesting stuff about dopamine since Hurrah for Coffee posted a few days ago.  It’s so bloody true – the “promise of a reward” is often what drives me to want to drink.  I can literally be sat thinking about anything other than booze, and sometimes even actively thinking how much I don’t want to drink, and then a thought of a “nice evening”, or ” a bit of a laugh” pops into my head.  I then proceed to sink loads of poison, quickly, in order to reach…………….well, I don’t know what, and that’s the worrying thing.  Booze doesn’t do much positive for me anymore.  I know that it never has done, but my point is that I used to think it did.  Now, I rarely even think it does.  It isn’t even a laugh anymore.  So much has happened around me recently that has had a direct link to alcohol in some form.  I read a comment from Anne (ainsobriety) on another blog earlier – it was, “It’s the booze.  It ruins everything”.  Ain’t that the truth.

Today, at least (well, right now anyway), I don’t want to wait until January.

Wine in Italy – Urgh

So, I’m now in Italy. The trip I was doing “Ocsober” ahead of, and assuming I would be saving my saved booze money for wine in Italy.

Anybody who reads my blog will know what happened the day after my big Ocsober promises.

Anyway, we are in Florence. We went for a lovely meal yesterday evening and ‘obviously’ ordered some house wine to go with our meal. My partner loves a glass with her dinner. I hate drinking with food – I’d rather skip tea and go straight to getting tanked up (we are very different drinkers……). We had this great food, and this jug of what I can only describe as Sarsons vinegar (for non U.K. people, it basically tastes like drain water) with it. It was truly rank. And yet, we obviously had to finish it cos we’d ordered it.

I don’t need many “wine is shit with meal” reminders, cos I’m not that “refined” a drinker. But this truly was a “moment” when I thought that I could happily never drink wine again. It really was entirely unpleasant.

Will I learn? We’re off to Venice tomorrow – let’s see. I think I’m getting there, but no promises, yet anyway. Ciao 🇨🇮

I want to not want to drink

I’m thinking of trying a different approach.  My relationship with booze feels like it may (I say it with a degree of obvious trepidation) be heading towards a natural end and I really want to capitalize on that feeling.

Since my mum died, I literally couldn’t give a shit about pretty much anything.  This includes myself.  I was never big on self-care before anyway, but now I am truly apathetic about my wellbeing.  This is dangerous and I know it.  I have been on and off booze since her death and every time I drink I become angrier and angrier with myself.  At the same time, there’s something about blocking shit out that things other than alcohol just can’t deliver.  Not that I’m drinking more since she died – I mean honestly, it’s not as if I were bloody teetotal when she was alive.  This “natural end” feeling is, I think, based on the following

 

  • I hate every drop I drink, and pour it down my neck as quickly as I can. I savour nothing about “a glass with a meal” – I can pretty much do a bottle in less than an hour.  What an achievement hey ☹
  • I wake up the morning after feeling absolutely LIVID – with myself, with the world, with the booze.  I’m aware that this level of anger is normal during grief and it isn’t confined to when I am hungover – I’m pretty much furious most of the time.  But the anger with the booze (and with myself for drinking it) has really ramped up
  • Being hungover is a genuine complete waste of life.  Whilst I’m not my own biggest fan right now, I have had a massive realization since October 2nd:  any of us could literally drop dead at any minute.  Sorry to be maudlin – I really don’t mean to be – but my mum’s heart literally stopped beating without any prior warning.  She was 53.  This massive shock has led me to decide that I need to make massive changes.  Not just booze – I knew I needed to change that anyway.  But weight and smoking.  There you have it – the 2 biggest risks for heart failure and sudden cardiac arrest.  I really mean it when I say I will quit the fags and lose weight.  I want to completely change my lifestyle.  Maybe the booze will follow automatically, or is that wishful thinking?!  Anyway, back to my original point – being hungover is a waste of life.  One of the worst wastes of life at that.  The “buzz” and “blocking out” I get for an hour or two is not worth the hours I spend feeling like crap the next day.
  • I drink against my own will.  I know that sounds stupid, but it’s true – I honestly sometimes drink when I can think of nothing worse to do.
  • I don’t feel very well.  I feel anxious, edgy, furious and sometimes quite sick.  I am tired of doing “tactical voms” just to feel better (gross, I know!).

 

I’m going to blog more.  I think I may take some advice I saw on someone’s blog recently – be aware of every drink I have and see exactly what it “brings to my life”.  I feel that I’m getting there naturally, but to be really honest, I want to not want to drink.  I want to be one of those people who is genuinely happy to say “I don’t drink”.  I have had thoughts of attempting moderation but then laughed out loud at myself – given how I demolish booze, there will never be any middle ground for me.

Sorry if this has been a bit rambly, and I don’t mean to crap on, but I thought I’d better get my thoughts down before I decided to drown all my thinking out (which I will not be doing tonight – please let me feel better tomorrow!).

By the way – where the hell is everyone?!  It’s so quiet on here!

I’m back 😊