Reposting this one of mine from September 2017. It scares the shit out of me how much time has passed and how little has changed booze-wise in my life….
I read a great comment on No Wine I’m Fine’s (https://nowineimfine.wordpress.com/) blog the other day. When asked “Why don’t you drink?”, she said she feels like replying, “Why do you drink?”.
I LOVE this.
It got me thinking about the reasons I drink. They’re pretty much as follows:
- It can be a laugh. This is often true for me, but only for about the first hour or two. I read in Rachel Black’s “Sober is the New Black” book that she misses the “buzz” that the first hour of drinking brings, however she doesn’t miss out for the remaining 23 hours of the day. As my drinking career has progressed over recent years, I’ve noticed that I don’t really have as much of a laugh as I used to when drinking. Yet there are still some things I cannot imagine having fun doing sober. For example, playing Cards Against Humanity. I consider myself a relatively funny person, so why can’t I play a funny game without drinking poison? Most of the laughs I’ve had with particular friends has been at work during the day, when I was completely sober. I know I can have a laugh without booze, so why fucking drink it. (Excuse the language).
- It eases my boredom. I honestly find boredom a huge trigger. During the day, I can wake up completely resolved to not boozing, and then by lunchtime I’ve convinced myself that getting tanked up in the evening is something fun to look forward to, and will “make” the night. I also know (well, think) that I won’t be bored if I booze. What utter cack. Drinking doesn’t relieve boredom at all, and I know that. It literally feels like I have two personalities when it comes to alcohol.
- It helps me forget. This is a tricky one. It’s also a hugely popular reason why many people drink. There is stuff in my life that I really don’t want to think about, and getting hammered sometimes seems like the “solution”. I gave evidence at Crown Court a couple of years ago and still vividly remember telling myself “don’t drink at all during the trial”. I ended up drinking every evening, and vodka at that. I “celebrated” his conviction with boozing. I “celebrated” his imprisonment with boozing. I “made myself feel better” about everything by boozing. My point is, I have historically used booze as a total crutch and escape, and I don’t want to do that anymore. If something in my life is hideous, how do I think that poisoning myself is going to improve anything?
- It gives me confidence. People who meet me often think I’m uber confident, outgoing, bolshy and a bit of a gobshite at times. I can be forceful in how I talk to people and I often sound like I know what I’m talking about (even if I absolutely don’t). This particularly applies in work. Yet I can’t stand myself really. I don’t want to go all psychological assessment on myself but I know there are some “issues” here shall we say. When I booze, I forget about these issues. I know that changing my body would massively help, which is why I’m signing myself up for a half marathon. I also know that getting things like fags out of my life would help, which is why I’m going to try a “smoke free” September. But I know that the physical changes are only the beginning. My anxiety levels are enormous when I drink. Whilst booze temporarily makes me feel better about myself (for ONE HOUR!), the subsequent self loathing is hideous. We’ve all been there.
- Lifestyle. When you drink all the time, it obviously becomes your lifestyle. It is simply “what you do”. What a fucking thing to say! “What do you do in the evenings?”. “Oh, I cook tea, sort the animals out and then drink and watch The Inbetweeners”. HA HA! Even writing that seems ridiculous.
Has anyone got any other reasons why they drink (or used to drink)?
Anyway, I best go and do some work. Contrary to how I may sound, I am not under Section in a hospital – I am one of those “fully functioning” f***ers : )