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Am I an alcoholic?

Laura Mckowen has written an article that everyone who has ever asked this question needs to read: http://www.lauramckowen.com/blog/2017/4/15/am-i-an-alcoholic This is one of those pieces where whilst reading it I shout halleluiah, amen and testifyyyyyyy at the the top of my lungs. Yip I am the crazy lady alone in the house shouting at her computer. […]

via Am I an alcoholic? — Hurrah for coffee!

This is a FANTASTIC read – thank you Hurrah!

A particular fave line (excuse the pun) of mine:

“If you stopped doing coke for a month and felt better, you wouldn’t sit there and wonder if you were an addict, and whether or not you could go back to recreational line snorting”. 

x

I didn’t know this would be Day 1

But it bloody well is.

I’ve HAD ENOUGH.  I am furious with myself for continuing to throw something down my neck that is a) bad for me; b) insidious; c) mind altering; d) life changing; e) disgusting – taste and smell wise.

I’m not being dramatic and all “hungover and full of resolve”.  I’m not even hungover.  I’m just annoyed with myself.   I’m also a bit worried that I’m giving myself early onset alcohol-induced dementia (there goes the drama again, but it is possible isn’t it).  I have constant brain fog and forget things a lot of the time.   I’m also arguing with myself a lot.  I went to B & M yesterday and hovered around their cheap spirits shelf for an age, trying to pick between Southern Comfort, Vodka or their own brand of rancid schnapps/drain cleaner.  I did my own head in so much that I ended up stropping off and buying none of it.  If anybody witnessed this they simply must have thought I was on day release.

I don’t want to act as though I’m on day release.  I don’t want to FEEL as though I should bloody well be on day release.

Aside from all of the obvious health risks and catastrophic personality changes that it causes, what a COMPLETE WASTE OF MONEY alcohol is!  I don’t know why I’ve thought about the money side so much this morning, but I think it’s because my partner and I are talking about buying a camper van, and figured out that if we just laid off the booze for a few months we’d have enough money to buy one.  Granted, it would be a heap of shit one, but that’s what we want.

So what would I like?  A constant state of being under par/semi comatose, and suffering with severe anxiety, or a camper van?

Every drink I have had this week I have approached with trepidation, dread and complete shame.  I literally have not benefitted in any way from drinking.  I drink as quickly as possible to “numb out” and “escape”, although I have no idea what from.  I also often believe that doing something as basic as watching a film is not enjoyable unless I’m drinking.  Even as I write that I know how pathetic it sounds.  I have had periods of sobriety before that I have really enjoyed.  Each time, the idea of being “bored/boring” lures me back into drinking.

Moderation is not for me.  I’m not a “normal” drinker (whatever the hell one of those is).  The idea of slowly sipping one glass of anything over a couple of hours is ludicrous to me.  If I wanted to do that I’d have a milkshake.  The minute alcohol touches my lips I have to shove as much of it as possible into me.  How hideous.  I have no interest in a “nice wine with a meal”.  I would rather skip the meal and get hammered.  I buy the cheapest wine with the “biggest poke”.  Urgh.  Sometimes I reach a point where I can happily and easily stop.  But usually only for a couple of days.  After day 2, when I start to feel better, I start wanting to “celebrate” feeling better by drinking.  WTF?  The speed at which my body recovers from a hangover doesn’t help (not that I’m complaining).  I start to feel better after one day without booze, and then the cycle starts again.

There have been heartbreaking, excruciatingly painful things that have happened in my life due mainly to alcohol.  Why on earth would I want to continue to perpetuate the horrendous effects?  Why on earth do I want to spend my time getting half cut (at best lately – another dangerous sign of increasing tolerance)? I’m 34 years old, in relative good health (only as in I have no known health conditions – but I’m physically unfit, basically obese and a total lush so I guess not that good health), and I want to LIVE.  I remember reading something on one of the blogs about the fear of “a life half lived”.  I don’t recall who wrote it but it stayed with me.  I reckon I’m living at less than 50% of my potential at the moment.  How dare I do that.

I can’t say forever.  The fear created by that simple word would have me reaching for the booze.  But I am going to try to at least reach my birthday.  I want to promise myself that I will not have another drink aged 34.  I understand that that means I’m likely to “look forward” to my birthday (in 85 days time) and that drinking on the day will be almost a given.  However, I’m hoping that by that point something will have switched in my warped, wine soaked brain that means I’ll be “able” to continue with sobriety.

For the minute, at least, alcohol can seriously FRO.

 

Annie

Does anyone know how Annie over at A Dappled Path is?  Hers was the first blog I ever read and I often wonder if she’s going to decide to reopen her blog and let us know how she’s doing.  Just asking in case I’ve missed something – I haven’t seen anything from her since the beginning of January.  Just hope she’s ok : )

 

Ending the Irritation

Allen Carr writes about this in his Smoking book.  He states that when you have a cigarette, and light it up, what you are actually doing is ending the irritation of wanting a cigarette.

I totally relate to this.  I try and stay off fags, and then a “stressful” or “exciting” thing will happen and I get this urge to have a fag.  The minute I light the filthy thing and stick it in my gob I can’t stand it.  But I wanted a fag, and so I’m no longer irritated that I can’t have one (I just feel sick and my breath stinks).

This applies to booze for me too.  I wake up and think “never again”, and then hours later I’m debating whether I should drink, how much I should drink, and how “lovely” it’d be to get that “buzz”.  I wind myself up with it all, having this internal debate about booze.

Sometimes, when I go to the shop (petrified of being pulled over by the cops and then trying to avoid the same cashiers and keeping my head down, imagining that everyone is judging me as I load up my Morrisons wine bag), I feel flat as soon as I’ve bought the alcohol.  I then drive home, and think “argh, well now I’ve bought it I’m going to have to drink it”.  I then obviously proceed to drink the lot.  Sometimes I actually physically urge when I glug glass after glass.  But still, I’m no longer irritated that I “can’t” drink.   By drinking, I’ve ended the irritation of “wanting” to drink.

It’s Easter weekend here in the UK and it’s always been something I couldn’t imagine passing without getting hammered (I realise how pathetic I sound).  Every single night.  Maybe a little overindulgence would be “deserved” tonight and tomorrow, if I hadn’t been drinking solidly since Wednesday.

I don’t even feel that hungover – I just feel generally below par, exhausted and irritable.  I’m also very frigging anxious.  I know this must be linked to alcohol.  I would love to hear from anyone who suffers with anxiety and also struggles with booze.

I’m so frustrated with myself.  I did 69 days last year and didn’t struggle massively.  Now I literally can’t imagine Easter Weekend without booze.   I don’t even bloody celebrate Easter!

My challenge to myself for today is not to drink tonight.  I feel like a complete loser calling it a challenge – it’s just ONE DAY WITHOUT ALCOHOL.  But the minute I say that, I become irritated that I “can’t” have any.   FFS.

I’m doing my own head in so I’m off now : )

 

 

Blog recommendations please for this fat old lush : )

I am in need of a candid, hilariously written and often sarcastic blog, that I can draw inspiration from.  The above photo pretty much summarises my humour and I’d love for any recommendations anybody can make for a blog that you think I would love to read.

So, please “blog match” me!

Basic facts about me: Age 34, female, overweight (bloody obese more like), based in the UK, desperate to get a handle on this poisonous crap I keep throwing down my throat.

Attitude toward alcohol:  The sole reason to drink it is to get drunk.  I see zero point in “one glass” of anything.  I can “happily” abstain for periods of time (most is 69 days – I’m aware that this is beyond pathetic), however when I drink, I partake in boozing that would put George Best (RIP) and Gazza to shame.  Current location is in Purgatory, with many days on and off the booze.  I have gained SO much weight in recent years that I imagine is largely attributable to booze.  I have an ever increasing pain around my liver that goes away completely when I don’t drink.  Whilst I can kid myself that this may be my gallbladder and not my liver, I know that it’s alcohol related.  I am intelligent enough to know that I shouldn’t drink, especially when I have a PAIN NEAR MY LIVER?!  I am confident and outgoing.  I also struggle with severe anxiety.   I’m also an intolerant bitch.  Not only do I not suffer fools gladly, I’d gladly punch them in the face (I’ve never done this!).  This level of aggression and intolerance does reduce when I don’t drink.  So there’s another reason NOT TO DRINK.

The anxiety is the worst thing for me.  If I thought that stopping the booze would rid me of this anxiety,  I simply wouldn’t hesitate.  However, I haven’t heard any inspirational stories recently regarding alcohol and anxiety; I merely read about the “possible links” between the two.  Does anyone have any real life experience of this?

I need real life tough examples.   Something has to change.  I wake up feeling sick in the early hours, then again around 7ish, and I am TOTALLY CONVINCED that I won’t drink again.  A few hours later and I’m back on it.

WTAF?

I’ve been reading blogs for a while and have a few firm favourites.  I’m really just looking for any blogs that I may not know about.

All suggestions welcome please : ) I don’t want to feel and look like an alcoholic rhino anymore.  : )

If hangovers didn’t exist……

Would you drink? Honestly? 

I read a lot of stuff around not drinking, and the majority of it revolves around “days lost”, “feeling awful”, “living under par”. I totally get, and feel, all of that. I’m just curious as to whether anybody would honestly, genuinely choose to drink alcohol if there were no “day(s) after” effects? Is the worst part of this poison what it does to us afterwards, physically and mentally? 
Just musing! 

To re-puke or not to re-puke?

At about 2pm today I finished violently puking due to a hangover from hell. I drank a load of booze last night and have only just stopped  feeling on the verge of death. 

And yet. It’s Saturday, ergo I “must” drink, right? I hate this shit. It has been THREE HOURS since I stopped vomiting, but the thought of those lovely chilled bottles (yes,plural) of wine in the fridge are now calling to me. 

I’ve been in and out of a form of “moderation” since January. Don’t drink every day, but still drinking too much. Don’t want to drink anymore (I felt so much better during my 69 day stint), and yet can’t shake the feeling that I am literally incapable of having fun without booze. 

I KNOW what alcohol is and what it does. I KNOW I feel hideous when I drink, and I KNOW I hate all the “noise” when I’m not abstinent. (Will I drink tonight? How much? Will I be able to drive tomorrow? Why don’t I try having just one glass? What’s the point in one glass?). 

So why do I feel like drinking again? I dunno. Maybe I’m schizophrenic. 

Or maybe I just love vomiting due to self induced poisoning 😫